The more I see myself wanting someone at my side, the more I cringe at what's to choose from. I see nothing but boys with babies/kids, liars and cheaters who'd rather have sex with me than just have me for me, sex driven fools who let their libido drive them through life, slobs, hoodlums who couldn't impress me with their broken speech patters no matter how good looking they are, and most of all the ones who just want you for their meal ticket. There's no romance left in the world, no sparks to light the fires of passion between two people. If there's no sex involved or the chance that it could happen, a guy won't go out of his way just to impress the women who's caught his eye, at least no guy who's come up to me recently has made it evident that he didn't want to try and get into my pants.
I constantly find myself having to say I'm a lesbian because the conversation always turns to the, ' SO when can I get at you' point. Um how about never? And even when told, no, they STILL persist, as if they can change my mind about dropping my pants and laying down on my back for them to enjoy me. It's depressing really... For once I would like to look into the eyes of the person looking at me and not feel the lust rolling off them. I'd like to see the interest of figuring out the complexity that is me, the want to crawl into my heart and occupy the spaces all for themselves, the want to please me without pushing the issue of sex, and should it happen to never want to make me feel as if it's an obligation just because I am with this person. I want an man who will challenge me, crave me, love me, see the world through my eyes, love the things I love, I want a man who I will feel just as strongly for, a man who will want to keep me by his side no matter how useless I am... Because in truth, I am a useless women.
A useless women who dreams of a love that will probably never happen. There are too few 'Good Men' in this world, and the ones I find are beaten down and covered in scars from past relations and the flaws they have out way the 'Good Man' image and everything just crumbles to a screeching halt leaving me to wonder how we survive in this world at all with the men and women we have to choose from.
But is it just me? Is it really just me and my extreme value of self and how I wish to be treated by a man? I've had such hurt brought to this aching heart, but it's made me realize that before, I was still a girl with stars in her eyes and blind to the ways of relationships. Love is... Love is so much different that a relationship. You need love to have a good relationship, but you don't need a relationship to know love. It can bring you happiness abound, or turn you into a bitter person filled with hate and hurting from the lashes received from that person you loved. There is a very thin line between love and hate, and at the moment, I'm standing in the middle of that line, swaying back and forth and wondering in which direction I'll eventually fall.
